


routine, or what you will

by vacant_lot



Category: Big Mouth (Cartoon)
Genre: Future Fic, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of Jay's Family, Moving In Together, Social Media Issues, They Are In Their 20s!, relationship dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 08:03:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16342976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vacant_lot/pseuds/vacant_lot
Summary: Matthew is a proud, fully functioning adult with an image to uphold.Jay is a walking embarrassment with a unibrow.---"I know what Instagram is, Caleb!" Matthew whipped out his phone. Jay better not have posted shit. They had an agreement. Couple-y posts were limited to once a month, and Jay already posted a picture of them together at some bullshit magic show from a few weeks ago.





	routine, or what you will

Ever since he was a child, Matthew adored planning. He would never arrive late to anything, unless it called for a fashionable delay. Tardiness was always prohibited. He carried a planner with him at all times with an accompanying set of gel-pens. His schedule was always bursting with plans and over-coffee-interviews and filming times. He was a successful journalism major, after all, and success called for order. His entire world would shift off axis if his mornings didn’t begin with the same blend of vanilla bean and caramel espresso. 

Matthew’s routine is what kept him sane.

Every morning began the same. He’d set an alarm for 5:30 am, but allow himself to get out of bed at 6. He would use that extra 30 minutes for social media perusing. Replying to comments, check his gossip column, and so on. By the time his second alarm went off at 6, Matthew would rise from the sheets. He'd stretch for no more than 15 seconds (6 seconds for each arm, 4 seconds to crack his neck, and 5 seconds to efficiently pop his back).

He’d head to the bathroom next, where his skin care regimen would begin. He’d start with a cleansing sugar coconut scrub, then a morning burst wash. Patting his face down with a fresh towel, he’d then use his astringent. Then moisturizer (water based, not alcohol, to prevent drying out the skin). Then the eye cream. At the end he’d dose himself with a subtle rose water misting spray.

His hair was another ordeal entirely.

Matthew’s bathroom adventure would end at precisely 6:45 am. He would make his way from the bathroom to his wardrobe, deciding what would be acceptable and stylish. This would take 5 minutes on a good day, 30 minutes on an off day. He would leave wiggle room in his schedule for both instances.

Once dressed, Matthew would b-line to the small kitchen unit in his apartment and start on his coffee. The time is now 7:02 am.

He is now approaching the make-or-break point of the morning.

As the coffee brews, (which would take about 10 minutes, for the 8 cups) Matthew would head back to his room. He’d check the time on his phone, pocket it, and glance tiredly at the bed.

The disgusting man shaped pile of flesh slept on the left side of the mattress without a care in the world.

. . . 

Jay’s mornings were very dependent on Matthew.

“Get up, pig. I have places to be today.”

Jay would blink himself awake as Matthew violently poked at him. Matthew’s sheets were infinitely better than the ones at Jay’s house, so you couldn’t blame him for wanting stay in bed. He'd ball the covers messily in his fists, groaning in protest. Jay flipped over to meet Matthew’s pale yet glowing morning sneer, conflicted at the sight. 

The bedside alarm clock read 7:04 am.

“Oh, good,” His faux-caring tone made the words less believable. Matthew took a seat on the end of the bed, reclining back on his hands and toss his head carelessly towards Jay. Now sitting up, Jay could feel the shiver of morning air against his torso. He’s sure the coldness of Matthew’s stare added to the chill.

“You have classes until 4 today, yes? Don’t forget that tonight we need to make an appearance at Jessi’s thing- that’s around 7. I was thinking we could grab dinner beforehand, but Caleb and I have a report airing around-“ Matthew would continue on and on and _on_ about whatever the fuck was happening today, and Jay wouldn’t retain a single word except for ‘Jessi, classes and dinner.’ Jay would stare silently down at his hands as Matthew continued his morning sermon- until he got up and headed to the kitchen, leaving Jay alone to either:

A . Make the mistake of laying back down, or

B . Get up, get dressed, and get some coffee.

Rubbing his eyes, he got to moving.

All Jay did for himself in the morning was sloppily wash his face (with no soap, just water). He’d then run a brush through his hair, and a few pumps of Matthew’s fancy hairspray to keep the volume. He’d take his time moving sluggishly from one place to the next, slipping on the same clothes he wore the night before. He'd steal a few swipes of Matthew’s deodorant, and take a swig of Matthew’s minty fresh Listerine. He was tempted to spritz himself with Matthew’s D.S. and Durga cologne, but decided against it.

It was 7:15 am when Jay made his appearance in the kitchen. Matthew sat at his small kitchenette table, clacking away on his lap top, looking like some coffee house promotional model. A mug of coffee was right next to him on some stylish wooden coaster, a tea plate harboring a half eaten breakfast pastry directly next to it.

Jay poured himself a cup of coffee in his designated Chris Angel mug. Too lazy to find something of sustenance, Jay fished a bag of fruit snacks from the cupboard.

The two sat together in silence, which was also part of the everyday. Matthew would type away and Jay would watch with intent. Matthew’s sock clad foot would brush against Jay’s leg every so often, and Jay’s hopes would rise for a little morning foolery (that never happened). At some point, Jay would take out a deck of playing cards to practice parlor tricks. Matthew pretended not to hate it.

This charade would continue until 7:50 am.

“Don’t forget about tonight,” Matthew would call back to Jay as he tied up his Bullboxer boots. “And I expect you out of here at some point. Don’t make me regret trusting you _alone_ in my apartment. Aka, don’t be weird. Aka, don’t fuck my pillows.”

“I haven’t done that since-” Jay stopped himself to save the embarrassment. Though he hasn’t met a sentient pillow in a while, anything could happen. His brain steered back on track. “I’ll lock up and everything!"

Without caring too much about the sentiment of it all, Matthew grabbed him by the hands and pulled him down. He scowled at Jay's unibrow before smirking, meeting Jay’s eyes and kissing him quick. Before Jay could react like a human should, Matthew had slung his bag over his shoulder and sailed out the door.

“I’ll shower around 3!” Jay called to Matthew as he shrunk further down the hallway.

. . . 

Matthew met Caleb in front of the student union building to film some classic ambush journalism.

“This is a memory card, not film,” Caleb clarified while pointing to the camera. Matthew fiddled with his mic settings. He rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could without having them eject out of his skull.

“I don’t care. Now remember, all lenses on Gina and Nick once they walk out here. They’re still trying the “friends” thing,” Matthew utilized his air-quotes. “But it’s _obvious_ Nick isn’t too happy about that. Oh, here they come!”

Matthew briskly walked (sprinted) towards Gina and Nick, mic out stretched, smile mocking. Caleb was right by his side, expressionless and silent.

“Gina Alvarez! Is it true that you and Nick Birch are considering dating again? If so, how long has it been since he’s blabbed about feeling you up last?” Matthew delivered the lines while Caleb invaded Gina’s personal space. If this worked out, this report would give TMZ a run for their money (in terms of online clicks, anyway).

“Ugh,” Gina stopped to cross her arms, scowling at the mic Matthew shoved in her direction. Pushing it from her face, Gina shot back “I don’t know, Matthew. Is it true Jay Bilzerian is basically living at your apartment now?”

This caught Matthew off guard. Though Jay and Matthew weren't a secret anymore, that comment was a little too domestic.

"Excuse me?" he took a step back.

"Yeah. Haven't you seen his newest Instagram post?"

Matthew blinked. Of course he hasn't. He only has notifications turned on for Antonio Banderas and that twink from _Call Me By Your Name._ Why would he care enough to check up on Jay- he's only been gone for an hour, tops.

Before he could choose what to be offended by first, Gina and Nick were already gone. "Son of a bitch," Matthew let his microphone to his side. He batted at the camera and Caleb lowered it, staring up at Matthew with the barest of expressions.

"Jay's instagram now includes pictures of you sleeping," Caleb stated.

Matthew paused. 

"...Pardon me."

"Jay Bilzerian, your boyfriend, has posted pictures of you asleep on his Instagram, a social media platform to share pho-"

"I know what Instagram is, Caleb!" Matthew whipped out his phone. Jay better not have posted shit. They had an agreement. Couple-y posts were limited to once a month, and Jay already posted a picture of them together at some bullshit magic show from a few weeks ago.

Navigating to Jay's profile, he clicked angrily on the first post. It was, indeed, a photo of himself from the night before. His usual saucy expression was replaced with a tranquil one. The photo was actually pretty decent, despite the graininess and blurriness and Jay's arm slung around him at an awkward angle.

In fact, the photo didn't piss Matthew off at all.

The caption, on the other hand...

_just got done SLAMMIN this fine piece back at the apartment. im basically living here now!!_

Now, Matthew was used to Jay’s hypersexual comments. They were endearing, in a weird, barbaric way. However, as if the string of eggplant and mouth emojis weren't enough to make the average person vomit, the photo already had 42 likes.

42 people think that Matthew would let Jay move in with him.

As if Matthew, a fully functioning adult who _owns coasters_ , would let Jay move in. Jay was a child of a man who has been living off fruit snacks and coffee for 3 days straight. Jay is studying _magic_ and has the hygienics of a hillbilly. Nothing could get more pathetic than the notion of Jay and Matthew actually living together.

 

The thought of living with Jay stressed Matthew out beyond belief. He was too proud to settle down, let alone with a live-in lover magician who didn’t know how to use a pair of tweezers.

Matthew gripped his phone.

. . .

Jay was innocently shotgunning a bowl of cereal when he got the phone call. 

“Hey babe, what’s up?”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“Woah, woah!” Jay sat up quick, almost spilling a bowl of Cookie Crisp in the process. “What the fuck?” 

"Why would you tell people we're living together!" Matthew shouted through the phone. "And on _Instagram?_ Instagram, of all things!" Jay winced, taking the phone away from his ear to recover from the harsh sound. After a beat he processed the words.

"Uh, because," he began. "I'm over here like. All the time. Way more than my parents house." He leaned back against Matthew's couch. "Also, do we have anymore cereal?"

It took every fiber in Matthew's being not to implode. 

"No, we- wait! Did you eat all my cereal? Ugh, never mind. You are _not_ living with me." Matthew tried his best to compose himself. He was still standing outside the student union building, not even registering the frigid temperature. 

"I think you're overreacting here," Jay spoke again. "what's the big deal with living with me anyway? If anything you should be more pissed at the picture." He mumbled that last part. Like he wasn't in enough trouble as it is. 

"I am not overreacting!" Matthew's voice began to rise. A few straggling students walked by and glanced in his direction, so he lowered his tone to a whisper. “I am not overreacting.” 

“So what, you’re embarrassed of me or some shit?” 

It sounded like Jay was masking his hurt with botched sarcasm. Matthew shifted from foot to foot. 

"Not... Necessarily." 

"Then what's the deal?" 

"Because. Because! It isn't true!" 

"Since when did you give a shit about truth?" Jay snorted. Matthew, expert on all things hearsay, caring about what was real or fake. Wow.

It sounded like Jay continued eating what was left of his cereal. That added even more fuel to Matthew's rage fire. 

"When it comes to my personal life, I care. It's just so..." Monogamous. Domestic. Nobody's goddamn business. "...lame."

"Living with me is lame?"

"To an extent, yes. You're just," Aggravating. Provocative. An all out slob with no sense of common courtesy. "unsanitary. Sometimes."

Jay sat back up again. "What the fuck, no I'm not!" 

"You absolutely are."

"I am the fucking picture of health!"

"Did you shower yet?"

Now, Jay was silent.

"Or yesterday. Did you shower yesterday?"

Static.

"Did you shower at all? Jay!" Matthew frowned. As soon as he was starting to feel bad for the poor guy, Jay proved to be just as unclean as he thought.

"Look, babe," Jay tried. "I'll delete the caption, alright? Whatever."

"42 people already saw it. And that's not even counting the followers who didn't like it," Matthew pouted. Now he was just being brat. A part of him knew this, but continued anyway. "The damage is already done." 

"I don't know what you want from me, dude." 

Matthew kicked at the pavement. 

"Do the dishes. We'll talk about this later tonight. And you're buying dinner. _And_ you are showering, for christ sake." 

Jay fist pumped, mouthing a silent 'yes.' He just might make it out of this yet. "And just to be clear, we aren't breaking up, right? Cuz we gotta couple of years here and I'm like, really comfortable. Like, crazy comfy with our situation. I mean, I think about it all the time. Mostly the dick stuff, but also just hanging with you." 

God fucking dammit. Jay's heartfelt idiocy always managed to melt Matthew's heart. 

"Yeah. I'll see you tonight."

As soon as Matthew hung up, he received a text from Jay. 

The message had no text, save a single emoji- the playing card with a heart. 

That’s all it took to knock the wind out of Matthew.

Fucking douchebag.

. . .

They decided to meet up around 5:30. It gave them just the right amount of time to eat and talk before they had to go to Jessi’s weird art-literature-debate-thing. Matthew and Jay argued about where they should eat, of course. Jay wanted Panera, Matthew wanted literally anything else. They settled on Houlihan's, which had enough class for Matthew's public image, but was cheap enough for Jay to actually afford.

They were sitting in a far corner booth, detached from the rest of the patrons. Jay had his menu spread out on the table. He was scanning the items with intent, as if whatever he ate tonight decided his fate forever. 

Matthew watched him as he mumbled the names of certain menu items. Jay would laugh to himself, ask Matthew questions with no answers, and blow bubbles in his complimentary water. 

In that moment, Matthew's thoughts wandered to the old queen they all met in that seedy bachelor complex Jay's father owned. He remembered emailing him a while after they met, updating him on Matthew's new found kindness plight. He remembered telling him about Jay, and how he certainly wasn't Matthew's ideal partner, but hey. He was something. He was cute. Matthew, unapologetically, always thought he was. 

And Jay was kind, albeit the violent outbursts. And the constant affirmations of his sanity. And his ability to clear a room with his lack of filter and sexual deviancy.

Matthew has already put up with it for what, the last five years? 

As Jay blabbed on about something his brothers recently gotten arrested for, Matthew realized a few things. One, the lighting in this restaurant should be illegal. Two, Jay Bilzerian might be the best he'll ever get. The disgusting habits aside, he really might be Matthew's everything. 

Three, Jay didn't look that bad in this light at all. 

"Jay," Matthew put his menu down. Jay stopped in the middle of his sentence. He grabbed his water glass, taking a long sip before answering: "What?"

Matthew squinted. He looked Jay up and down. He actually showered, thank christ. And he smelled good. His hair looked the same as usual- he's been cutting it the same since they were 13. His fucking unibrow, the exact same one Matthew was silently judging this morning, made him look primal (in an oddly sexy and disgusting way). The light around him was warm, and he was waiting so attentively to whatever Matthew was planning on saying.

Memories came flooding back to Matthew- their circus of a middle school science project, their first kiss during Nick's stupid hook-up game, Jay asking him out for the first time... Matthew thought pleasantly of high school, too, and how Jay was a constant. He was always there, always ready to talk or satisfy Matthew's needs. He put up with a lot, sure. Whether it be the romantic gestures in the form of magic tricks or the nightmare that was Jay's family, Matthew put up with all of it. Why? 

The answer should have been obvious.

"Do you want to move in? With me?"

Jay blinked. 

"...What," he settled on, dumbly.

Matthew expelled the breath he didn't know he was holding. 

"Do you want to move into my apartment," he repeated. "I mean... You're basically living there anyway." 

Matthew looked away from Jay, his usual gall not showing up to the party. As if the situation wasn't embarrassing enough, he really had to go and quote Jay's lovey-dovey (as he could get) Instagram post. It was equally embarrassing that he really did want to... Cohabitate with Jay. That living with Jay wasn't lame, but actually frighteningly _comforting._ Not because Jay is insane, but because the commitment was intense. 

The two of them have been intertwined for so long that this step felt right. Matthew was just too much of a proud moron to see it clearly. 

Matthew convinced himself in that restaurant- What they had was good. 

Really good. 

"You want me to move in now? What was that bullshit earlier then? And I already deleted the caption!" Jay threw his arms up in exasperation. 

"Cut the theatrics," Matthew smiled. "Do you want to live with me or not?"

Jay rolled his eyes, taking Matthew's hand. He ran his thumb over Matthew's protruding knuckles, grinning madly. "Of fucking course I do! Finally!" he lowered his voice, as if this whole situation was some elaborate trick. "Now, we'll obviously have to do some redecorating. The trampoline is moving in with me, and you don't have a backyard, so like. Can we replace the couch, or-"

"Oh my god." Matthew covered his face with his free hand, squeezing Jay's hand with the other. 

This is what he signed up for. 

This, and every ridiculous thing that came with Jay Bilzerian. 

. . .

“Ok, we really should go inside. They’re probably waiting for us,” Matthew gasped from under Jay as he pressed his back harder against the upholstery of his shitty sedan. No matter how “grown-up” Matthew told himself he was, nothing could beat making out in the back of a car. Nothing. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Jay’s speech was muffled, his lips pressed feverishly against Matthew’s neck, grazing the skin with his teeth. His hands have been wandering for the past 35 minutes, rumpling Matthew’s sweater, half untucking his button-up and fucking his hair beyond repair.

Neither of them even tried getting up. 

Matthew grabbed Jays face, bringing him up to kiss him more. Jay was too fucking good at this, he always was. Since that first kiss, Matthew should have known Jay would end up being with him. He should have expected Jay to move in with him. As Jay started unbuckling Matthew’s belt, Matthew began giggling. Then chuckling, then full blown laughing. He sat up, pushing Jay off for the air. His hands stayed on Jay’s chest, and the harder he laughed, the more he gripped the fabric of Jay’s shockingly white t-shirt.

The digital car clock read 7:08 pm. 

“What’s so funny?” Jay asked, almost defensively. 

“Oh, nothing,” Matthew shook his head, laughter ceasing for a moment. “My life is just… Fantastic right now. Fabulous, even.” 

“Oh,” Jay sat back on his knees, head grazing the interior roof of the car. “Yeah, same. I’m finally gonna move out of my parents place!” 

. . .

Matthew is still one for routine. 

He just had to work Jay into them. 

Matthew eventually got Jay a key to the apartment- a customized one, with card suits on it (he knows it’s gay, leave him alone!) They had to compromise on a _lot,_ like where Jay could stash his wall sized David Blaine poster or where he could keep his thousands of issues of Abraca-Daily magazine. They couldn’t fit the trampoline in, much to Jay’s dismay, so they settled on a mini workout one. He placed it in the corner near the couch so Jay could jump while he re-watches Girls for the 5th time. 

Every morning starts the same. Matthew gets up at precisely 5:30 am, but doesn’t really get up until 6. He washes his face, does his hair, gets dressed and makes coffee by 7:02. He wakes Jay up with either a pillow to the face or a kiss on the head, depending how the morning goes.

They eat breakfast, they have small talk, and Matthew kisses him goodbye. 

Not a whole lot changes. Except now, Matthew’s freezer is full of Kid Cuisine, for some reason. 

Regardless, it’s all very convenient. Very homelike.

Very routine.

**Author's Note:**

> hey thanks for reading i've been on this ship since matthew called jay a sexy caveman in season one, and thanks to season 2, i finally get a chance to exploit the big mouth writers for personal fulfillment! mazel tov!


End file.
